of losing my mind.
of losing my memories and ending up like my mother.
of losing myself.
that my mother will outlive me.
that i will outlive my mother.
that he's really dead.
that he is the reason he's dead.
that she will hate me forever.
that one day i will not be able to do this anymore.
to lose it all again. to lose my father again and again.
that nothing is good enough.
that i'm just a target.
of being forgotten.
of being compared.
of losing more time.
of drinking more than i lead on.
of the chatter.
of the silence.
of the lack of listening.
of the attempts at change.
of how i'm treated because i don't agree.
i could have stayed in the air force.
i could have had a family of my own.
people weren't so needy.
i knew what to say or not say.
i knew what real peace meant.
that people realized not everyone needs to be the center of attention.
that people didn't take out their troubles on others.
that i had other reasons to care.
i didn't have to check everything over so much.
i didn't live like this.
to be left alone.
to not be alone.